Interviewer:
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a very special, most honorable guest: Mr. Bilbo Baggins. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Mr. Baggins, he is the
individual responsible for the great war of the One Ring. He—
Bilbo:
I’ve done nothing of the sort!
You take that back right now, or I will knock you over the head!
Interviewer:
Well, now, let’s not get too offensive, yet feisty, over this interview
before it even starts. Well, I haven’t
asked you a question yet, Mr. Baggins!
Bilbo:
Very well then! Ask away!
Interviewer:
Let’s see. Okay, Mr. Baggins,
first of all, could you delight the audience by telling us the answer to a very
simple question: What exactly IS a
Hobbit?
Bilbo:
Well, since you asked…A Hobbit, or Halfling, as you Men-folk call us, is
a merry little creature, not larger than a dwarf. We, Hobbits spend our lives in a cozy little underground
dwelling. We aren’t much for entertaining;
therefore, we keep to ourselves somewhat.
We don’t like a lot of company because we love to eat—about three or
four dinners a day—and we don’t like sharing with guests! Now, there!
You have a life about Hobbits!
Oh, yes, I almost forgot, we LOVE smoking our pipes! We smoke nothing but the finest tobacco in
Middle Earth!
Interviewer:
Uh, yes, how nice… Um, yes, Bilbo, please inform us of your “adventure”
or whatever you call it.
Bilbo:
I call it a journey, and you know nothing of “adventure!” Dragons and trolls and elves and wizards and
murky forests and—
Interviewer:
Rings…?
Bilbo: You think this is some kind of joke?
Interviewer:
Of course not. Anyway, how did
this whole “fiasco” begin and what did you do on it?
Bilbo:
Well, the “journey” began when Gandalf the Grey—that ol’ trouble maker—ah,
yes, Gandalf, my old pal…
Interviewer:
What a loving, caring personality you have for friends…
Bilbo: Blah! Well, as I said that
I don’t do much for entertaining, twelve dwarves came! They hung their hoods and ate me out of
house and home! But I knew this was for
a reason because as soon as I was about to kick all of ‘em out, Old Gandalf, my
wizard friend, told me that it was a secret council meeting. And he wanted ME to go on this journey! I wasn’t going to go because I wasn’t a nut
for adventure, but somehow, the Took came out of me! Before you knew it, I was ready for treasure! You know this is the root of ALL journeys!
Interviewer: Ummmm, hmmmm. So, Bilbo, what did you encounter before you stole, er, found the
Ring?
Bilbo:
Wait! Just hold your
horses! I’m getting to it! You Men-folk sure love to rush things! You shouldn’t rush things. It causes you to get all wrinkly, gray, and
mean!
Interviewer:
Sure it does…
Bilbo:
Well, I was 50 years old going on this journey and my leathery feet
ain’t as put together as they used to be.
Anyhow, on out way to the treasure, we ran into trolls, wolves, and all
sorts of scary things! Those trolls were
some mean ones! They tried to eat us;
you hear? But I wasn’t afraid—
Interviewer:
Ummmm, hmmmm…
Bilbo:
That’s how I met Sting. Sting is
the sword forged by elves to detect whether an Orc was coming. He’d turn blue, and that’s when you’d have
to be extra careful because Orcs love the taste of everything, especially
Hobbit meat!
Interviewer:
An Orc, you say.
Bilbo:
I do say.
Interviewer:
Could you run by mean exactly what an Orc is?
Bilbo:
See, Orcs used to be good people.
They were once Elves, and beautiful they were! Somehow, they became too greedy and worshipped the Dark Lord,
Sauron. Their corruptness made them
mean and ugly and savage. They also—
Interviewer:
The Dark Lord, Sauron. He is the
creator of the One Ring of Power, right?
Bilbo: He is that. But it’s
forbidden to talk about him. Let’s move
on with the business.
Interviewer:
We see he doesn’t want to talk
about the Ring, so, Bilbo, please continue.
Bilbo:
Okay, where was I? Oh yes, we
escaped the trolls. Then we came to the
mountain.
Interviewer:
Where you stole, er, found The Ring?
Bilbo:
Yes.
Interviewer: PRO—ceed…
Bilbo:
Very well. I saw this creature—
Interviewer:
Gollum? Better yet, Smeagol—as
he was once called?
Bilbo:
Right on! And then we discussed—
Interviewer:
Riddles…
Bilbo:
You seem to know the story better than I do.
Interviewer:
Oh, uh, yes. I’ve heard it so
many times. Excuse my rudeness…
Bilbo:
Very well. I then found a ring—
Interviewer:
The Ring…
Bilbo:
!!!!!!!!
Interviewer:
I’m so sorry.
Bilbo: Then,
I put the Ring on, and then—
Interviewer:
You disappeared into thin air, leaving the Creature, Gollum to waddle in
pain due to the absence of the Ring of Power—
Bilbo:
That’s it! Do you want to finish
this interview by yourself?
Interviewer:
Well, no, I—
Bilbo:
Did you go on this journey?
Interviewer:
I’m sorry. It won’t happen
again. I apologize deeply for the
frequent interruptions.
Bilbo:
My goodness! Anyway, I escaped
from the creature, and then it came to the sole purpose of our journey: We came to the Mountain, the mountain of
treasure. Gandalf informed everyone
that I was the only one who could fit through the secret passage in the
mountain. Everyone else was too big and
tall. The passage was less than five
feet tall. However, this sounded too
good to be true. Secret passages, no
intrusion; oh, it sounded perfect. The
treasure was just as good as mine except for one thing: Smaug.
No one told me about Smaug.
What’s behind every treasure? A
DRAGON! He was the last of his
kind. Something told me that I need to
outsmart this young lad. So I—
Interviewer:
Put on the Ring of Power!
Bilbo:
Geez! What’s with you and this
Ring!
Interviewer:
Once again, I’m sorry. I’m just
fascinated by the Ring.
Bilbo:
How could we ever guess that? I
sneaked upon Smaug, but he was too smart for that. He sensed I was there.
“Who’s there?” he said. I told
him my name and appeared to him. We
talked for a while—a very decent conversation indeed. He had the feeling that I was there to steal the treasure, but
reassuring him that I wasn’t there to do so didn’t set with him. He proved that to me by showing me the
graveyard of ashes and burnt bones near the main entrance of the cave. He later became outraged by my presence and
flew outside the cave to attack the town.
Many villagers fled in terror, and I saw the steward of the area. The dragon had terrorized the town for
years—even centuries. They didn’t know
how to kill him. Just then, I
remembered. Smaug was missing a single
scale directly over his heart. Thanks
to my memory and wit, I slew the dragon!
Interviewer:
Oh, how so?
Bilbo:
Well, I called the best archer in the town and pointed out the scale to
him, that’s how!
Interviewer:
Then you didn’t kill him.
Bilbo:
I did, too! Why are you so
negative? Many people are indeed
jealous of my fame, wit, and looks, but you are open to criticize my strong
points!
Interviewer:
Oh, I do apologize…So, where is The Ring, now?
Bilbo:
Why should I tell you…
Interviewer:
Because you need to give back my, er, the Ring, and the war will be
over.
Bilbo:
How do you come to that conclusion?
Interviewer:
Because it’s mine, my own, my PRECIOUS…
Bilbo:
Huh? Why I’ve heard that before
somewhere…
Interviewer:
Sure you have. Do you not know
to whom you are talking?
Bilbo:
Well, no. I-I-I don’t; I—
Interviewer:
Well, you do now!!
Bilbo:
EEEEEKK!! S—
Well, this is all of the time that we have. Our
interviewee has seemed to have run in full speed away from the studio. He is being chased by our staff interviewer,
but we’ve never seen him out of uniform.
Wait—I’ve never seen him before.
He’s so tall. We’ll get a
reporter to cover that story for us:
Who is the man chasing Mr. Bilbo Baggins? Is he a man? We’ll get
that story for you on our
